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Early one morning in June 2024, Bas pulled up next to his parents' camper van, parked at a sunny marina in the northern Netherlands.
His parents, Jan and Els, had spent most of their married life on the water. Now in their seventies, they could no longer maintain a barge. Their camper van, parked near the yachts and dinghies, was the best alternative.
Jan and Els got into their son's car. Bas started the engine. It would be the last time he would drive his parents. For Jan and Els, this trip to the local hospice would be their last.
That morning, at 10:30 a.m., doctors would administer a lethal drug and they would die together, in what is known in the Netherlands as duo euthanasia. It is legal and rare, but every year more and more Dutch people choose to end their lives in this way.
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Three days before their fateful hospital appointment, Jan and Els gave an interview to the BBC in their camper van. Jan suffered from chronic pain, the result of many years spent transporting goods on the inland waterways of the Netherlands. Els was suffering from dementia. Their story was relayed and commented on around the world.
Now, more than two years later, their only son recounts how he tried to persuade his parents to delay their deaths, while respecting their decision to end their lives. He talks about the emotional weight that this decision took on him and the deep loneliness that followed.
The journey
Bas had planned a scenic route to the hospice, passing through the meadows and canals of Friesland.
“I still remember the whole trip,” he says. His mother was in the back and his father next to him. At first, they talked. Els seemed determined about their decision to opt for euthanasia.
“My mother was convinced, certain to do it,” says Bas. “But my father was a little emotional. »
Jan asked her son if they were making the right choice. Bas was surprised; he thought it would be his mother who would have doubts.
“My mother always really enjoyed life,” he says. “I remember her saying to me: 'I wish I was 80, even 90.' »
But his father had been talking about euthanasia for more than ten years because of all these years of suffering.
In the car, Bas reassured his father. Once Jan calmed down, they drove in silence, listening to music and watching the scenery go by.
In the months leading up to this trip, Bas had tried to persuade his parents to delay their deaths.
“I tried to convince them to stay a little longer – why not wait until winter, or next year? »
Bas was divided. Although he believed his parents' decision to request euthanasia was the right one, he did not want them to leave.
“My father was in this situation for 10 to 15 years, so he probably could have lasted a few more years. But I think wait another year, and my mother would have had problems..."
If Els delayed requesting euthanasia, she risked a worsening of her Alzheimer's disease, which could mean she would not be deemed capable of making the decision to end her life.
At the hospice
Bas found a parking space.
“My dad said goodbye to my car – he liked my car and he said, 'Good job' and 'Thank you.' »
“And then we went in,” says Bas. “Imagine doing that – being in their shoes, going on that journey and that walk. It's so unreal. »
For the next two hours, the couple's family and friends came and went. They reminisced and listened to music. At one point, Bas considered interrupting the ceremony.
“I had a feeling: ‘OK, let’s go… Let’s get in the car and go,’” he said. “But I didn’t want to bring up anything that might worry them – I had supported the whole [euthanasia] process. »
“It’s best to keep everyone calm and take the time to say goodbye. »
Shortly before 10:30 a.m., doctors arrived to administer the lethal drug to Jan and Els. The couple lay side by side on hospital beds. And in those last moments, before they lost consciousness, Bas witnessed the tenderness of his parents.
“I’ve seen them maybe three or four times in my life walking hand in hand,” he said. “But there they were lying there, hand in hand. And that made me really happy: they really experience this together. »
Bas describes that first half hour after his parents stopped breathing as “a proven fact”: They were no longer alive.
“Then you realize the situation – it’s an unimaginable feeling. »
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress, you can get support from Befrienders Worldwide.
At the hospice, grief took hold of Bas. He began to feel a deep loneliness.
“Grief is a very, very deep thing,” he says, “and I don’t have any brothers or sisters – I felt really alone. »
If we were raised by two parents, when the first dies, we may share our memories and sadness with the other as part of the grieving process. But Jan and Els were both gone.
“It felt like my legs had been cut off,” Bas remembers.
His grief was also physical: he felt ill for four or five weeks. He hurt everywhere.
“I wouldn't really recommend it to others, and that's perhaps a difficult conclusion to accept,” he says. “It may have been the best option for my parents, but losing them both at the same time was a terrible shock. »
Did Jan and Els leave too soon?
For people considering euthanasia in the Netherlands, especially those with dementia like Els, choosing the right time to end your life can be complex.
Source: Regional Euthanasia Review Committees (RTE)
In addition to proving that they are in unbearable pain, doctors must assess that they are still capable of deciding for themselves whether they want to die. This can cause immense distress for dementia patients considering euthanasia, says Dr Rozemarijn van Bruchem, a geriatrician and ethicist at the Erasmus Medical Center in Rotterdam.
“They think… I have this power now, but it’s too soon. Next month it might be too late. So, how do I decide when to start this procedure to find out if I meet the conditions required to obtain euthanasia? And if I wait too long, won’t I have missed the boat? »
Dr van Bruchem explains that his patients' anxiety is linked to the legality of euthanasia in the Netherlands. They also know that authorization for medical assistance in dying in cases of advanced dementia is rare. In countries where euthanasia is banned, such as the UK, people with dementia can face many challenges, but they rarely have to wonder if their life is at stake, as was the case for Els.
In 2024, she told the BBC that she and her husband could no longer wait because there was a risk of his Alzheimer's disease getting worse. Jan, for his part, was determined to die alongside Els. He told the BBC that he was leaving perhaps too soon, but that he had lived his life to the fullest, that it was accomplished.
Has everything been said?
Jan and Els were fully aware of the weight their end-of-life decisions placed on their son. Bas attended every meeting his parents had with their respective doctors during the euthanasia process. Open family discussions took place. Often we feel regret when a loved one dies, especially about what was left unsaid. This was not the case for Bas. Two days before Jan and Els' appointment at the palliative care hospital, on Monday June 3, he wrote them a letter.
“It was about eight pages long,” says Bas. “I went to the RV late Saturday night, two days before the event. I read the whole letter to them. She talked about our lives, I thanked them for what they had done. »
Jan and Els were deeply moved. And just as they rarely showed affection towards each other in public, they weren't used to being demonstrative with their son either.
“We feel that they love us, but it shows through actions, not necessarily through words or hugs,” explains Bas. “My mother was more cuddly when she had dementia, but my father never was – I never got a hug. »
Everything changed in the campervan this past Saturday evening. Jan hugged Bas.
“He did it after receiving this letter. It was perhaps one of the best moments. »
“Everything has been said.”
We used AI to help translate this article, originally written in English. A BBC journalist checked the translation before publication. Learn more about how we use AI.
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