My love language is “words of appreciation,” and my husband and I also assume that this is the love language we share.
But, although we love receiving compliments, we both feel a little embarrassed.
However, our results were conclusive when we took the original online love languages test, a personality test published by American pastor Gary Chapman, who in 1992 first proposed the idea that there were five ways to express and receive love.
I question it. Does this theory really know more about us than what we know from our experience in a marriage that lasted ten years?
The five love languages are: spending quality time together, providing services, words of appreciation, receiving gifts, and physical touch. It seems to have become more widespread than ever before.
Participants in dating apps ask each other about their love languages, and “My love language is...” is a common phrase that dating app users are asked to complete.
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According to the “Love Languages” website, my husband and I are two of more than 150 million people who have taken this specific test.
Although our scores were much lower in some other love languages, they were more expressive of how we feel.
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For example, I love spending “quality time” with my husband, and I feel his love for me when he makes lists of movies for us to watch together, more than when he compliments me.
But, where did the idea of these five carefully defined categories come from? Is it suitable for understanding dating and relationships in our time?
“People are still drawn to it.”
Unlike other theories about relationships, such as attachment theory, the concept of love languages is not based on scientific principles.
Chapman said the idea came to him after observing couples during counseling sessions he held in his congregation.
Dr. Sarah Emerson, a specialist in counseling psychology, told the BBC that the concept of love languages is still brought up regularly during her sessions.
She added: "There is almost no one who has not done this test. Couples often bring up the topic, and they say: My partner's love language is physical touch, and mine is providing services, so our relationship does not work."
She continued: “Research has shown that the idea that there are only five ways in which people express love, and that each person clearly falls into these categories, has little scientific basis. However, people are still drawn to it, which prompts us to ask why.”
Image source: Samuel Dore/Netflix
For some people, talking about love languages may be a helpful entry point into thinking about how to express their needs to their partners.
Psychotherapist Georgina Stormer said that this concept helps people think about “what they really like in a relationship, and what other people really like,” but she pointed out that it is “very limited” and may lead to “oversimplifying everything.”
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In recent years, many therapists have also warned that Chapman's examples are frequently based on religious texts and unequal relationship patterns.
In “Love Languages,” Chapman recounts how he counseled a woman named Anne, whose husband of ten years had been hostile and verbally abusive to her, including repeatedly telling her he hated her.
Anne tells Chapman that her husband's love language is physical touch, specifically sexual.
When she tells him that she finds it “difficult to respond to him sexually,” Chapman advises her to “lean strongly on her faith in God” to bring herself to have sex with her husband more frequently.
This example also reveals another problem, which is that love languages can be used to coerce partners into expressing or receiving love in ways they are uncomfortable with.
"There's a danger when someone says, 'My love language is receiving gifts, so you have to give me gifts all the time,' or 'My love language is physical touch, so you have to be physically intimate with me all the time,'" Stormer said.
The BBC has contacted the Love Languages team to request comment.
So, what can partners do if they want to understand each other, and themselves, better?
Listen to your partner: "Don't just wait for your turn to speak," Dr. Emerson said. "Try to hear what he's saying and understand his feelings."
Express your feelings using “I” statements to avoid shifting blame: “If you rephrase your statement so that you start by expressing your own feelings, it will help you explain what is going on without making the other person feel like they are being criticized,” Stormer explained.
Remember, disagreements are normal: “Healthy relationships often involve arguments and differences of opinion,” Stormer said. “The challenge is not to avoid rifts, but to find ways to repair them that can make the relationship stronger.”
But Dr. Emerson added that one should "choose the appropriate time to talk about difficult matters; it should not be late at night, or immediately after the partner returns home."
Respond to attempts at closeness: Dr. Emerson said you should "try to respond emotionally to your partner when he or she seeks to connect with you," even if he expresses it in indirect ways.
"It could be asking for a hug, or just telling you about something he just saw on his phone," she added.
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